It is a strange day to sit in front of my computer to write about losses.
I have been gathering the nerve to write about the loss of my GURU, FATHERFIGURE, FRIEND, and my anchor for old age…my huge supporter, my dear brother around seven and a half months ago.
Today is also the day when 27 years ago I lost my soulmate, my life’s companion, the father of my two children, and my love.
In about 15 days it will be 29 years since I lost my father.
Today is the day that I am counting my biggest personal losses…and I am so scared that I could die.
People think of me as someone with unusual strength and control who could overcome all obstacles. In reality, I am only hanging by a thread, trying to live for my children and my mother, praying for their health, long life, and happiness.
There were too many obstacles and too much to be done to bring two toddlers up 27 years ago. All personal losses notwithstanding. However, I still had faith in life and in my Krsna. I could continue to push on because I also had my brother by my side.
However, when you lose your biggest emotional support, someone who kept you from drowning in the dark abyss, who kept your faith alive, and all this despite all the personal darkness around him, you lose a part of yourself to the darkness. Especially, when the end for your brother was as painful as your father’s. When a family curse of cancer takes away so much.
All those untimely losses, all due to unforgiving illnesses. All those endless prayers for decades gone unheard, unanswered. And, I was the biggest champion of faith in Krsna. Not the blind kind…I have all the answers, all the knowledge, no naivety…still the heart is losing hope, the mind is not able to come to terms…and the life goes on…the shopping is on, dressing up is happening, parties are going on…and life goes on.
||Sarvam Sri Krishna Arpanamastu||
Sarika Nanda Cerebrates 
Good Evening Sarika. As always you have a way to express yourself so clearly, concisely and correctly. I was talking to Nimmi sometime back and wasn’t sure as to how to share our mutual loss. Of course for you he was your life and at the same time he was an important part of our lives too. We are proud of you and are sure that you have done the best possible for all in your life. Proud of you. May Krsna guide you the same way all thru as always.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Heart touching!
What to say reality/cruelity of life
LikeLiked by 1 person
True…*hugs*…
LikeLike
Hello dear, you have penned down your emotions cum pain direct from your heart and can wet anyone’s eyes. Life has been really harsh to you but no one can say that seeing your happy-go-personality. You have taken everything by your stride very gracefully but believe me that’s also because of the light and guidance of the gone but still around you. Can’t say much… sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
Just a suggestion, write more often so that your pain spills on the paper. This will give you at least some solace. God Bless you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello dear, you have penned down your painful emotions direct from your heart and can wet anyone’s eyes. Life has been really harsh for you but no one can say that seeing your happy-go-personality.
You are a true warrior and have taken everything by your stride very gracefully but believe me that’s also because of the light and guidance of the gone but still around you.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
Just a suggestion, write more often so that your pain spills on the paper and give you some solace at least. God Bless you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear, no one can understand the pain of loss better than you and how the survival instincts kick in. Having a beautiful foundation of love and care and of those beautiful memories help people like you and me in facing such profound personal losses. Love and hugs to you too.
LikeLike